Issue link: http://southshoremagazine.uberflip.com/i/543152
T H O S E I D Y L L I C S U M M E R V A C A T I O N S O F S E C O N D H A N D S M O K E A N D F E R T I L I Z E R 34 Gen Xers are waxing nostalgic about the summertimes of their childhoods, when life was fun and the living was easy. According to several articles and blogs, parents today are scheduling, helicoptering, Pinteresting, and tiger-ing their kids too much. We need to get back to the halcyon summers of the 70s and 80s, when kids ran barefoot through dandelion pollen and drank from garden hoses with reckless abandon. Kids were creative! Independent! Helmetless! I was convinced. I decided to give my kids such a summer. On their first morning of summer vacation, my kids ran down the stairs shrieking and coughing hysterically. "Fire! Fire! Mommy, the house is on fire! Where are you?" I reluctantly took the Virginia Slim out of my mouth and pawed at the smoke cloud until it dissipated a little. "There's no fire. Mommy's having a ciggie." Their jaws dropped. "But. But. Smoking's bad for you." "Says who? I don't see any warning label." I poured them some cereal. "What is this?" they asked. "Apple Jacks." "It looks like junk food," they said suspiciously. "No it's good for you. See. It says right here next to the cartoon: 10 essential vitamins and minerals." "My cereal has gray dust on it," my littlest said. I blew the cigarette ashes off the side of the bowl. "There. It's fine." I sipped my second cup of Brim. They tried to eat, but couldn't swallow because of all the coughing. I went upstairs, slapped on some Tickle antiperspirant, a white Izod shirt, and Bermuda shorts. "C'mon kids," I shouted, lighting a cigarette off my cigarette. "We're going to 7-Eleven for Slurpees!" My kids had no idea what Slurpees were, but they ran to the car to escape the smoke. "Where are our booster seats?" they asked. "You don't need those things. If you want to look out the window, just hang your head out." "Where are the seat belts?" "I cut them out. They're a nuisance. Flapping around back there with those metal ends. I hit a bump, it flies up, boom, knocks your teeth out. Totally unsafe. You'd think the car designers would know better." We made it to 7-Eleven in record time, even though it was tough to work the pedals with my Dr. Scholl's wooden clogs. As they enjoyed their 22 ounce blue raspberry Slurpees, I drove to the grocery store. "Okay kids," I said, getting out of the car. "Be good. I'll be back in about 25 minutes." "Where are you going?" they cried. "Grocery shopping." "You can't leave us here!" "Sure I can! I cracked a window!" When we got back home I made them Velveeta and bologna sandwiches on Wonder bread. by Erica Ford Sweeney