Issue link: http://southshoremagazine.uberflip.com/i/771981
Christina: Tarek, help. He's lapsed into a foreign language. Tarek: Septic's a no-go. How much to hook it up to a sewer? O'Reilly: This town will never get sewer. These leach fields are protected by the Historical Society. Runoff from revolutionary war soldiers' dysentery may have pooled here. They're landmarks. Christina: Ew. Tarek: These windows are rotting. I'm guessing this is also - what is this substance again? Wood? We're definitely getting new vinyl windows. O'Reilly: You can't do that. All windows have to be wood. Vinyl windows are a violation of the Town Preservation Antiquity Society. Christina: Why don't you just use vinyl? Then you wouldn't have to replace them all the time! O'Reilly: But then how would we prove we can tolerate hardship and inconvenience and be heartier than non- Bostonians? Tarek: I don't see the central A/C unit? O'Reilly: This house doesn't have A/C. Shocked silence. Christina: You get 80% humidity out here and you're not going to install A/C? O'Reilly: It's only three months out of the year that it gets really uncomfortable. Tarek: How much to install central air? O'Reilly: In a cape? $25,000. camera man faints - break in filming After reviving the camera man by throwing a strawberry Coolatta in his face, Christina and Tarek checked out the interior of the home. Christina: We'll put wall-to-wall carpet in the bedrooms, of course. Smythe: (horrified squeak) Bedrooms have hardwood. Not plush. Not Berber. Not some perverted California shag. Hardwood. Christina: Why would you not put carpet in the bedrooms? The winters are so cold here! You must freeze to death! Smythe: It's only three months out of the year that it gets really uncomfortable. Christina: We should rip out this oak banister and install wrought iron. Black with lots of swirls like the Kardashians have. And put track lighting in the living room. Smythe: (perspiring noticeably) Why don't you let me design this part. I'll even stage the house. For free - if you just swear you'll keep away from the banister. Christina: Fine, but you should use the staging stuff in our warehouse. We have these really cool useless balls made of fake twigs that you set out in bowls. Smythe: No, no. We outsource all our props from the Christmas Tree Shops. We'll get starfish for the windows and a sign that says WELCOME TO OUR BEACH HOUSE. Christina: But this isn't a beach house. Smythe: That's irrelevant. Christina: I still think you need more wrought iron in here. Sconces. Mirrors. Frames that are empty inside, that aren't frames at all… Tarek: How do you turn the fireplace on? Where's the switch? O'Reilly: There's no switch. You build a fire. Tarek: Wow. Rustic. Boy Scout- style. I get you. So, we're going to make this a gas fireplace. How much will that run us? O'Reilly: There's no gas. Tarek: What do you mean "no gas?" Then how do you get heat? Do you just keep stoking your Boy Scout fire? O'Reilly: Oil. Tarek: Yeah, right. Where would you store oil? O'Reilly: Remember the giant tank in the basement Christina said was "an eyesore and needed to go?" After spending $275,000 on rehabbing the house - most of which went to repairing damage from ice dams - the house looked much the same as it did before the rehab, since restrictions from multiple historical societies prevented most cosmetic changes. Christina and Tarek decided to return to L.A., where they could continue saying the word "travertine" on a regular basis. *This is a parody, of course. If this actually happened, Dunkin' Donuts would be the new sponsor of Flip or Flop. 17 TheSouthShoreMagazine.com Erica Ford Sweeney is a mediator, writer and the co- host of South Shore Live! on Boston radio WATD. Erica's writing has been featured in The Huffington Post, the New York Times, Blogher.com, Bundoo.com, Happify.com and several diaries with kittens on them. Erica completed her undergraduate degree at the University of Michigan and received her law degree from Boston College.